Too fast, Too soon

Here is one of the most relevant poems to my life right now:

Black Oaks by Mary Oliver

Okay, not one can write a symphony, or a dictionary,

or even a letter to an old friend, full of remembrance
and comfort.

Not one can manage a single sound though the blue jays
carp and whistle all day in the branches, without
the push of the wind.

But to tell the truth after a while I'm pale with longing
for their thick bodies ruckled with lichen

and you can't keep me from the woods, from the tonnage

of their shoulders, and their shining green hair.

Today is a day like any other: twenty-four hours, a
little sunshine, a little rain.

Listen, says ambition, nervously shifting her weight from
one boot to another -- why don't you get going?

For there I am, in the mossy shadows, under the trees.

And to tell the truth I don't want to let go of the wrists
of idleness, I don't want to sell my life for money,

I don't even want to come in out of the rain.

As midsummer hits and half of this precious summer session coming to a close, I inevitably go through small fissures of freak-outs about how fast the days are slipping by. College, the best years of my life, is coming to a close, especially not including senior year's last semester where I'd have to student teach. The ability to just soak in knowledge for interest's sake is slowly waning and LIFE with its obligations start peeking pestily through the Venetian blinds of my idealist retreat of a room. I'm not ready to give up a life of luxuriating in ideas, ruminating about Life and Self with sun-spotted closed-eyes, of that kind of freedom to structure my own days and not worry about finances or deadlines, etiquette or correctness. I'm not ready to submit to the unrelenting force of Capitalism that says "you have to be niched 8-5 at a job that only reflects one aspect of your personality, if any at all." Yet sadly society rarely sees the Other aspects, only the characteristics you purport publicly, relentlessly, deliberately, as a way to reach some social goal. Personality as Capital. Charm as Seduction. Pure personality cohesion is such a myth; people react differently to different situations, yet surface others only understand if your behavior is consistent. And so the myth goes on: we are a handful of adjectives that end up haunting us by bracketing us up, and sooner or later, some of us end up believe the exact myth we pushed so hard for, a self-deceptive linear narrative, because non-linearity is just too messy to deal with. America and its crazy drive for success, of its crazy people always climbing and rejoicing exactly in that climb (albeit they don't know it; most people think they revel in the end goal, but most of the time, it's that rush of pushing and shoving people are addicted to), of ambition ambition ambition that speeds life up like one gigantic subway whoosh---only to cause a headache to sensitive eyes trying to count the number of cars going by. I've tried to find a career that satisfies my manifold interests, and teaching comes as close as careers will, but it's still not enough. I'm tired of fitting my personality into socially acceptable roles and those roles only, but those roles will come to dominate my live inevitably: teacher, daughter, mother, wife, friend. But in the hustle and bustle of role-fitting and role-adjusting, I hope to be more than the sum of the parts. I want to retain myself as everything I am now: philosopher, rebel, writer, cook, artist, decorator, stylist, dreamer, culture-connoisseur, cultivator of small things and Amelie moments. I'm not strong enough to say that I won't lose myself in the role-making and role-playing in the future, but I will try damn hard to retain that core essence of my being and not just be blown by the wind of who I'm supposed to be. There's the socially-accepted life in all its rewards and dignity, but there's also the life of the mind and spirit--a far greater life-cultivation I'm forever shaping for myself. The two worlds obviously can feed into each other, but I want to never lose my sense of being and worth when roles go wrong. Stripped naked of all people, titles, prestige, and ego, I want to still have the sense of inner peace, wisdom, worth, and beauty I've come to find and treasure as my most precious element. And in turn, I hope this inner soul emanates to the outer world, bringing a little goodness to the people and situations surrounding me.